The Life I Actually Want to Live
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Have any of you read Dinosaur Comics? I'm not totally in love with it, but sometimes it includes very perceptive insights. It's a daily webcomic that uses the same six frames of a goofy looking dinosaur every day to tell strange and goofy stories. The other day it ended with T-Rex saying "Um, I'm thinking... that a lot of my internal conflict and malaise comes from the tension between the life I ACTUALLY want to live, and the stories I want to be able to tell?" I've been thinking about that a lot lately.
I should say, before going any further, that I'm really happy with my life right now. I love working with the OLLIE program. I had a moment a couple weeks ago where I was setting up for a class and thought "Is this really my job? I don't have to go back to nannying next week?" I feel this way all the time- just so privileged to be part of this awesome program, doing such awesome things. I'm taking Spanish classes, I've visited the KBOO Youth Collective a couple of times to learn more about how their program runs, I meet awesome kids and teach them awesome things. This is the first job I've ever had where I don't feel like anyone is questioning my intelligence or my ability. I can do this and I'm good at it! And I think I'm getting better every day.
But back to that dinosaur comic. Last night I talked to my best friend. She has lived a very adventurous life since we graduated college. Her primary jobs have been working as a pedicab driver and operating a puppet show on a bike. She's in several bands, went to Morocco last year, and just came back from a tour of England. I love her to death, and at time find myself very jealous of the excitement she fills her life with. I want to be able to tell stories about sailing up Lake Michigan on a tall ship, too! Or do I? Because, ultimately, I think I prefer this quiet existence I have carved out for myself. I want to be able to tell those stories, but I think this is really the kind of life I want to live.
When I started back in July, I was really worried about having enough personal time. It's somewhat of an issue, but in a lot of ways, something I've always suspected has proved true: Having a job I like and care about takes away the need to fill my life with other things. I've spent the previous four years working jobs that I don't care about to get by, and so I squeezed the most fun and enjoyment I could out of my free time, making art, dancing, and hanging out with my friends. It's not that I've stopped doing these things, but I certainly don't have as much time for it now... But I don't miss it too much. Life is good.
In other news, I just order three new pairs of glasses from Zenni Optical. You can get a pair for as cheap as $8! If you are an eyeglass wearer and have your prescription, this is a great deal. Especially since Americorps don't get vision insurance.
Comment from Morgan Sully on October 14, 2008 - 8:48pm
Nicky,
this is an awesome post. I've had some of the same tension sometimes with my own work. I used to dj a lot more, promote parties and chase all kinds of wonderful dreams (which I still do occasionally;).
I have a friend who sold his Vespa and vintage guitar to play accordian in a punk band while squatting and busking in Europe. He ended up getting appropriated by another hardcore band (who also wanted him to play in their band), but just ended up driving the Volkswagen bus for them through all kinds of countryside, festivals etc.
He's also now totally brilliant, life-experienced, but without much of an established professional network or much professional experience towards more higher paying jobs (at least the last time we talked).
I didn't have any of those kinds of experiences - stumbling through streets drunken in the morning, backpacking through foreign countries picking grapes in a French vineyard..., but I do have a network and security that I wouldn't have otherwise had, had I not committed to being a VISTA and working as much as I had. I feel like if ever I were to lose my job or switch jobs, it wouldn't be so traumatic/hard as it has been in the past.
I myself have always had a tension between my creative aspirations and my desire to affect change in the world (done through professional work). Finding an org (CTC VISTA) that supports both in some manner has been a wonderful stroke of luck. I certainly don't say that because I'm a VISTA Leader either, I say it because it's just been damn cool, hard and fun.
Good post.
Comment from Josh King on October 27, 2008 - 5:40pm
Hey Nickey,
Yeah, I often feel like I'm not having enough adventures, though maybe not so much anymore (for much the same reasons as you, since now I have a job(s) full of good stuff). I always wanted to do the kind of work I'm doing now, but it's not the kind of thing you can generally make a living with. Or at least, you can't just go out and apply for a job being an anarchist hacker for social justice. But VISTA has given me an opportunity to do that for a while, and now after I leave I'll have the connections and know-how and reputation to be able to keep doing cool stuff, rather than getting a stapler and going all Office Space, which seems to be the fate of many techies.
But DINOSAUR COMICS! Possibly my favorite thing of all time. It is uncanny how often I am thinking of something, just like you were, no matter how esoteric, and I read Dinosaur Comics and that's what the comic is about, even if it's something like "Utilitarianism." I think Ryan North must have a direct connection into the brains of everyone and everything cool.
Good call on Zenni, I'm going to order some glasses from there. My glasses recently broke after only having them for a few months, though to be fair they were cheap-but-awesome reading glasses that I picked up in a thrift store and got fitted with regular lenses, rather than being normal frames. The local optometrists suck, so that seems like a great option. Are you coming to CTCnet?
--
In Solidarity,
Josh King
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CTC*VISTA Leader
Comment from Anne Jonas on August 6, 2009 - 12:05pm
Hi Nickey,
I'm a new VISTA working out in NYC, and I read this post whenever it was made public last year and really identified with it. As the other commenters have said, I totally get what you're saying and ditto it. I also have found that in my almost two weeks of working this VISTA position that some of this tension, at least, is subsiding - I'm really able to do the things I want to be doing here, and it's making life a lot easier for me. I still have a lot of wanderlust and fantasies of heading off for the forest or exploring - but I get the feeling that this work will make those opportunities even more possible for me. Of course, I'm still in the bright eyed and bushy tailed stage.
Anyway, thanks for writing, and I'm glad to see you'll be serving another year - I've heard excellent things about Reel Girls.
-Anne